Monday, September 21, 2009
Ronald Weinland Interviewed by Dill Weed’s Sock Puppet
The Great Tribulation grinds on. (Only 140 Sabbaths left!) Before God's prophet and End Time Witness gets too busy, he has graciously accepted a request for an interview with my T-Rex sock puppet, Ralph.
Q – Have you received your Two Witness powers yet?
A. (Opens mouth and… belches) Shew! Onion rings - I’m burping onion rings. Burger King. They’re giving me hellish heart burn. I thought I was going to breathe fire for a minute, but I guess not, yet. All in God’s due time and in accordance to His plan. I had Taco Bell last night. I wasn’t breathing fire, but you know…. The 1st Witness had to sleep on the couch. It’s a good thing I’m humble.
Q – Have you thought up any plagues you’d like to strike the earth with?
A. Oh, yeah. I’ve been thinking about them for a while.
Q – Are you going to target certain individuals (i.e. mockers) for especially painful plagues?
A. I have a few people in mind for a dose of Ron’s Revenge.
Q - Who will be the first person(s) you smite with your Two Witness powers?
A. I’m going to let that be a surprise.
Q - Do you expect to give sermons to the entire world to make everyone aware you are God’s prophet?
A. I imagine I’m going to make the rounds on all the talk shows. Towards the end, I’ll be on every channel 24/7.
Q - You acknowledged that you’re not the greatest public speaker? Do you think God will supernaturally improve your speaking ability to better deliver his message?
A. He’ll beam them into my head. I’ve made a special aluminum foil hat with antennae to improve reception – four bars everywhere.
Q - Will you announce beforehand how and where you will smite the earth so as to distinguish your smiting and plagues from regular old droughts and disease outbreaks?
A. No one will confuse Two Witnesses plagues and drought with any other plagues and droughts. I am God’s Prophet after all.
Q - To be blunt, are you excited about being able to kick sinner butt with your Two Witness powers?
A. Cracks knuckles. There is going to be some Hell to pay. And, I am the bill collector. It will hurt me to do it, but it will hurt them more.
Q - While I’m being asking questions, I have to ask, some rumors have been going around about drinking, Ron. Ron, have you ever been kicked by the Schlitz Malt Liquor Bull?
A. I don’t drink malt liquor and I don’t take bull from anybody. I AM GOD’S PROPHET!!
Okay, okay! Thank you, Prophet and Witness, Ron.
And now back to our regular programming.
Your time runs short, Ron Weinland. Judgment day is coming.