Wednesday, May 23, 2012

Breaking News: Two Witnesses Job is Almost Done!

In a new and final post to his blog, false prophet Ronald Weinland declares the job of The Two Witnesses is almost done! When nukular war breaks out before noon this Saturday (May 26th, 2012) and when Christ Returns shortly thereafter to open a can of apocalyptic whoop ass on an unsuspecting world, the job of The Two Witnesses of Revelation will be done! A loud voice from heaven will beckon them to their eternal reward and they will be transformed from mere, boring mortals into Eternal Spiritual Bores!

What?! You say you've never heard of Ronald and Laura Weinland! Where have you been living? In a city of over one or two million people who also know not of God's Two Witnesses? You have an internet connection, Direct TV or cable, a working phone, access to multiple newspapers and magazines, too? And you still don't know these two?

Take a couple of deep breaths. Relax. Watch a relaxing cat video. There, all better now.

Fortunately, for you friend, some of us have taken note of Ronald and Laura Weinland's amazing, incredible, epic and dumbfounding journey as the two most powerful prophets in the bible, they look harmless don't they? (Pictured here spending the tithes of members.)  A little history

Coincidentally, they performed no miracles, not one. Even the ones they were supposed to. But, THAT'S all been explained - and just in time before Ron's brother Jesus returns all miffed and ready to RUMBLE with the BEAST. The Beast who incidentally, doesn't kill the Two Witnesses. I know. I know. Ron's explained that too. It all has to do with a church you've probably never heard of, but, whatever, you know? Christ is coming. Epic at 2:30

Epic stuff going down this weekend.
“And the same hour [when they are resurrected to spiritual life] there was a great earthquake [Gk – “shaking.” Used prophetically of a shaking of God’s people](as in not a literal earthquake), and the tenth part of the city [Jerusalem—the scattered Church,(as in previous members of COG) not physical Jerusalem] fell, and in the earthquake [shaking] there were 7,000 ‘individually named’ (as in totally screwed individuals) [Gk. word omitted from KJV] people who were slain, and the remainder [Gk. – ‘the others’, ‘the rest’] were made afraid [brought to fear], and gave glory to the God of heaven” (Rev. 11:13-14).
A reassertion of Ronald Weinland's death threats to former COG ministers:

The final event that is coming upon God’s Church that was scattered is one they all will come to personally experience and cannot deny—for all other warnings, pleas, and admonitions have been denied and ignored. Nuclear war cannot be denied! Neither can the death of 7,000 previously baptized members be ignored (denied) which will consist mostly of those in leadership and especially those in the ministry.
Nuclear war... that's for the rest of the non-believers, too.

There is, however, another group... the mockers whom Weinland has cursed with death since the beginning.

Heathen I am, I usually work the Sabbath (Saturday or Sunday take your pick.) But this weekend, I'm going to call in dead. You see...

This matter of 7,000 dying is the story that follows the job God gave to his two end-time witnesses. His own witnesses to His own Church have been rejected, mocked, and ridiculed. (You might imagine what THAT will get you.)
As if that wasn't enough...

As a final posting I am also informing all readers that a final prerecorded sermon will be posted on the Church site that can be used this Sabbath. It is recommended for those who want to use that sermon for this Sabbath that you download it as soon as it is posted so you will have it on hand.
THIS could be the most epic "I told you so" ever!

You can get his final, FINAL sermon here and all his previous, miserable, miserable, sermons there, too. (Go for the lo-fi version, it has contains all the misery of the hi-fi with less download wait.) After all, you may not have that much internet availability soon.

Dill Weed, faithful mocker since I started mocking faithfully. A fun video before Christ returns.


Ronald Weinland, your judgment day approaches.


Brent said...

Ron says ..."The job of God’s two witnesses is nearly complete".

Far out. What a job. And to think that all previous prophets had to put up with being poor, persecuted, beaten, death and all Ron does is fly around the world speaking to a handful and he completes his God given mission as one of the final two witnesses.... oh by the way... what did the other 'witness' ACTUALLY do?

Brent said...

Anonymous (from the previous post - the strong person who believes so strongly he can't name himself) does not believe in God.

But he does believe in Evolution... you know - the plausible event where the computer we write on now came from Man ingenius and man as we know came from a monkey who came from a fish who came from a microbe that magically appeared as the result of an explosion caused by something....!!!!

And he thinks WE are mad ???

Ha ha ha ha ha ha

Douglas Becker said...

If Jesus Christ were ever to return, it looks like one of his first acts would be to kill all false prophets, thus ending Armstrongism.

Douglas Becker said...

Battleship was fun, even if it wasn't in 3D.

(I have better things to do than be concerned with Ronald Weinland, obviously.

Mikey, you're so noisey!

Stop purring so loud!)

Anonymous said...

What happened to jesus saying 'no one knows the hour in which i shall return ' seems he changed his mind and told Ronald *yawns*